It’s Friday morning and my eyes are burning with a lack of sleep as if I had splashed them with yerba mate instead of water; as if I had mistaken my eyes for my mouth just as I had mistaken 12 o’ clock midnight for 12 o’clock noon as a befitting time to drink a few cups last night. I’m steeping more tea as I write, thinking about the difference between obsession and addiction, ritual and escape.
We had begun to fantasize out loud yesterday, in the way that we’ve slowly come to talk about everything, excitedly recognizing each other in ourselves despite being poles apart. I wonder how it is that two things, two works of art, or two individuals, can simultaneously embody such intense similarity and difference. How something, someone, can be both this and that. I remember a conversation I had years ago, with someone I had obsessed over and have yet to fully escape from, in which they used the situation of someone playing tug of war with their dog as a metaphor for the inescapable violence of love, or maybe love as violence and how oftentimes they are one and the same. I think this idea is both beautiful and very overwhelming.
As if expected, it’s now Tuesday, November 13 and my blog entry has been sitting in my drafts folder since Friday. I’m drinking mate as I write this, questioning if this mate-induced-mania I’ve come to love is also violent.
I just arrived back at AW after leaving to install a piece in a group show in NY. It felt great to see a piece I created at AW exist in a new space. Funnily, the piece that looked so big in my studio here looks small in the gallery. Taking my first few days away from the residency felt good, and it feels good being back too. I feel very refreshed and ready to get back to work. I am feeling the end approaching, which somehow still feels too soon.
The reality of getting a job and no longer being able to be in the studio as long as and whenever I want has sunk in, but I am excited to move to NY after the residency and being there made me more sure of my decision to do so. Being in NY over the weekend, I realized how much better I am feeling about myself and my work than I did when I arrived here 2 ½ months ago, I feel much more clear-headed and confident.
As I think about preparing to leave I am feeling grateful for some of the amazing relationships I have formed while I am here – relationships with artists that wouldn’t have formed otherwise and the excitement of future interactions, conversations, and projects together. It is strange to still be here but already have a vantage point of life after the residency, the feeling of looking back at it and it being past tense.
1. Press Release for group show at MX, opening 11/18/18 in NY
2. Window Hanging Piece, “October”, at MX
3. “Moon Sisters” in MX
4. “Moon Sisters” in my studio here at AW
5. Close-up of friendship necklaces/collars in “Moon Sisters”
6. View of Canal Street from MX
7. 1987 Louise Bourgeois diary entry from a book my friend in NY had
8. Birthday cake the other residents made me a few weeks ago
9. View from my bed at sunrise of a window sculpture I made in my room/ studio here at AW – I am going to miss working really late into the night/early into the morning
10. Corinne, Isabelle and Bailey at “CI” here in Roanoke
11. Sketch for a piece in a show I am making in the last few weeks here for a show opening 12/08/18 at New Works in Chicago
In just the two weeks since our last blog post we have had three shootings in the US. A synagogue, a yoga studio, a college bar. Our country needs to deal with the spiritual trauma and the acknowledgment that our nation was built on violence and continues to suffer the consequences of that history. Being in Virginia, I notice myself being fearful of violence because I am a person who outwardly questions gender role and social norms. I do not want to be a person who is scared of my neighbors, it does not feel fair for me or them to make the assumptions that they are other because they have different norms and political views. It does not feel fair to assume violence from them.